


The First Four Don't Count

by shakeweightless



Category: Arrested Development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakeweightless/pseuds/shakeweightless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ann's never had a first kiss.<br/>It's a lie, but can you blame her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Four Don't Count

It doesn't count when the guy is a really bad kisser.

When Ann pulls away from George Michael, it takes her a moment to register what’s just happened. Her boyfriend is sitting next to her, looking a little confused and a little proud, as if he’d nailed this kissing thing on the first try.

She tries to remember what it felt like. Lips? On her lips? Weird mouth motions? Cold? She can’t think of anything coherent or positive enough to say out loud, so she keeps quiet.

“That was nice,” he says.

“I guess.”

“Yeah,” George Michael agrees. He puts his arm around her and it takes all of her willpower not to cringe. He’ll get better, she thinks. They just need to practice.

Which means more kissing. Ann actually does cringe, but he doesn't seem to notice.

This isn’t good.

 

It doesn't count when the guy is twice your age.

“So what’s the deal here?” Gob says as he lights candles around his living room. “Have you ever even kissed anyone before?”

Ann is silent for a long time, but he doesn't ask again. “No,” she says, finally.

“No what?”

“No, I haven’t kissed anyone.”

He looks up at her. “Huh? Why would you bring that up?”

“You asked me.”

“What? When?”

“Like, a minute ago.”

He laughs. “You’re a weird kid, Tammy.”

“Ann.”

Gob sits down next to her, delicately puts his arm around her shoulders, and then without warning, pulls her in hard.

If kissing George Michael is like being apologized to, kissing Gob is like being told to go fuck yourself and then pushed off a cliff. It’s not better, but it’s something.

There’s a sudden sharp pain in her lip and she pulls back, holding her hand to her mouth. “You bit me!” she squeals.

“Are you bleeding?” She checks her finger and shakes her head.

“Heh, nice,” Gob says nonchalantly, and he pulls her in again.

 

It doesn’t count when the guy is… a girl.

“Ann!”

Ann turns away from the can of soup she’s been eyeing and looks to the other end of the aisle. “Maeby?”

Maeby runs toward her. “I’m so glad I ran into you,” she says, out of breath. “I need to confess.”

“Confess what?”

Maeby stares at her. “My sins. _Duh._ ”

The fact that Maeby feels the need to confess her sins to an Evangelical pastor’s daughter is rooted in a tragically fundamental misunderstanding of the Christian faith, but Ann knows a lost cause when she sees one.

“Of course,” she says. “Sit with me, my child.”

They sit across from each other in the middle of the soup aisle.

“Okay,” Maeby says. She takes a deep breath. “I made out with George Michael.”

Ann is, understandably, taken aback.

“George Michael?”

“Yeah.”

“Your _cousin_ George Michael?”

“ _Yes,_ Bland, how many times do I have to say it?”

Ann doesn’t even bother correcting her name.

“And it wasn’t even good,” Maeby adds. Ann believes her. “Anyway, that’s it.”

Maeby really doesn’t understand how a confession is supposed to work, but that’s probably the least weird thing about this conversation. She gives Ann a quick peck on the lips before standing up and heading toward the dairy section, leaving her to gather her thoughts.

It is, by several clear miles, the best kiss Ann’s ever had.

 

It doesn’t count when the guy is Tony Wonder.

Because it just fucking doesn’t, okay?

The way Tony kisses is similar to the way Gob kisses, except Tony, for some reason, seems to expect her to be impressed. She makes unsure noises at his prompting, but doesn’t feel motivated to move or speak otherwise. When they’re done, she has lipstick that isn’t hers on her face.

Once they’re standing at the door to his apartment, she doesn’t even bother saying goodbye before leaving; when he calls her name, she wipes her lips and keeps walking.

**Author's Note:**

> i love ann so much she is the best and you can fight me on it


End file.
